Post Your Jokes!

Apr 1, 2007
2,050
0
Bat Country
Once upon a time there were two brothers.
One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.
The other brother, however, was very good.
He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an
exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.
The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.
The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many
charities.
One day the evil brother died.
Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.
He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother?
He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven.
"God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life,
so he is not spending eternity here in heaven.
He has been sent elsewhere."
"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied.
"But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish", God said,
"I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell.
Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench.
In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous
young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing.
I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a
beautiful woman in the other.
Surely, hell can not be that bad."
God explained.
"Things are not always as they seem, my son.
The keg has a hole in it.
The blonde doesn't."
 
Dec 12, 2006
615
18
34
North Melburn
I've got a joke that I made up when we were playing as the Insurgency on Helmand Province one night. I really shouldn't repeat it here, so if you see me in the server, ask me then.

It's a very bad play on words regarding Team America: World Police and the manner in which they portray the TERORMANS!

Ho hum.
 
Feb 19, 2007
1,468
0
42
Brisbane
Adam and eve were in the garden of eden. They decide to have a quick shag. After they finish eve jumps into the river to wash herself off. Just then God says down to her "Eve don't do that! I'll never get the smell off the fish!!"
 

Jim

Feb 28, 2007
3,998
0
38
NSW
Thats gross charger lol....


MAKING BABIES


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now.

The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked M rs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted !
 
Apr 15, 2007
1,175
48
43
Roll'n
www.adifferentkindoffun.com
Potentially & Realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homosexual .
 
Mar 28, 2007
257
0
Hills District, Sydney
Shower Protocol


How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks.


Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas.


Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.


Get in the shower.


Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.


Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.


Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.


Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
enhanced.


Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.


Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
cake body wash.


Rinse conditioner off hair.


Shave armpits and legs.


Turn off shower.


Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.


Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.


Get out of shower.


Dry with towel the size of a small country.


Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.


Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
on head.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas.


How To Shower Like a Man


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.


If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her
making the 'woo-woo' sound.


Look at your manly physique in the mirror.


Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.


Get in the shower.


Wash your face.


Wash your armpits.


Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse
them off.


Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.


Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.


Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on
the soap.


Wash your hair.


Make a Shampoo Mohawk.


Wee.


Rinse off and get out of shower.


Partially dry off.


Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of bath the whole time.


Admire willy size in mirror again.


Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and
fan on.


Return to bedroom with towel around waist.


If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her
and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.


Throw wet towel on bed.


I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
 

Jim

Feb 28, 2007
3,998
0
38
NSW
Thats not a joke, it IS truth :p

I dont know how they come up with this stuff but try it.

YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH


This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go
out to eat.
(more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5




4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 ....
If you haven't, add 1756.



6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.


You should have a three digit number


The first digit of this was your original number
(I.e., how! Many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
 

Jim

Feb 28, 2007
3,998
0
38
NSW
"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says,
But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom
door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on
the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I
guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
"I don't know"
"Honey, What's your name?"
"Kate"

"SORRY WRONG NUMBER....".
 

Jim

Feb 28, 2007
3,998
0
38
NSW
This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights whilst
not really paying attention.

Anyway the fella who was driving got out... And he was a dwarf!!!!

He said "I'm not happy"........

I said "Well which one are you then?"
 

Jim

Feb 28, 2007
3,998
0
38
NSW
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an
hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his
drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on, man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I
can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I
can't do anything right.
I overslept and was late to an important meeting,so my boss fired me.
When I
went to the parking lot,
I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was
still in the cab.
At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I
came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my
life,and then you show up and drink the damn poison."
 

Jim

Feb 28, 2007
3,998
0
38
NSW
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
 
May 3, 2007
23
0
Auckland
Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my University football team 15 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.

She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my work-out today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank 5 cups of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it!

My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other **** too.


THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work-out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.
 
Apr 15, 2007
1,175
48
43
Roll'n
www.adifferentkindoffun.com
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe strip chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.




"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now"


"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.


He's a martyr now though" mum confides.




"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.


And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21"


"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair

When he was born".




"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.


"Oh, gracious me .." Says the other.




"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18",

She whispers.




"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first

Started school".




"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.




After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully

At the photographs and says .




"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
 
heh, copy and paste job from an email, but its too freaking early for me to care. Enjoy


Two aliens landed in the desert close to Birdsville (in the Australian
outback) near an old petrol station that was closed for the night.
>>
They approached one of the old petrol pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
>>
The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
>>
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling.
>>
We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
>>
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."
>>
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed.
>>
About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
>>
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
>>
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.
 

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