Post Your Jokes!

ayy sorry guys that one wasnt me, bro thought it would be funny because i left it up soz about that
lies...

OT- Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
 
Sep 10, 2010
113
18
nahh seriously not lies, i left the joke page up and he asked if he could post one and i told him he could didnt know it was goina be that one
 
Apr 14, 2009
2,025
63
24
Freo
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
The job was only so-so anyhow.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I slice
d it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
 
Mar 30, 2008
4,746
63
24
Whitsundays
xavoau.tumblr.com
The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...
Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins....
Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.
Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".
Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
 
  • Like
Reactions: GruAncH
Mar 30, 2008
4,746
63
24
Whitsundays
xavoau.tumblr.com
Q: What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
A: "How come?"

Q:What’s bright red-pink, 18 inches long, and makes women scream?
A: A parrot eating a baby.

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
 

3D_Gimp

Donator
Oct 27, 2008
1,629
63
34
Sydney
www.nu3d.com.au
When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

______________

A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

______________

Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

______________

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.


______________

There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.

______________

Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you
Better have a good hand.

______________

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

______________

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

______________

Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French
Kiss, only down under.

______________

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

______________

Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life
Sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

______________

Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts
Don't have eyes.

______________

Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still
Sleep with their wives!

______________

At the Senior Citizens enter they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point.
The question was, "where do women mostly have curly hair"? Apparently, the correct
answer was Africa

______________

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after
realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name

______________

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the
lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To
which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard
______________


thatll do.... :kiss:
 

Bahlye

Donator
Mar 11, 2007
10,784
83
Perth
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said: "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."



(Boom Tish.. :yeah: )
 
Aug 17, 2010
640
28
26
Stolen from facebook

As she lay there screaming in agony, her body covered in fatal burns, Superman knew this was the first and last time he would try and undress a woman with his eyes.
 

Sgt-JoeKickAss

Donator
Mar 5, 2011
1,452
83
23
Brisbane
www.youtube.com
An old man was strolling through the shopping mall, when he decides to sit down for a little while. After a bit, this extreme punk, with rainbow hair, green eyebrows, tattoos and piercings sits on the bench opposite and pulls out his phone. The old man just stares and stares at the punk for ages. Finally, after having enough the punk says to the man:
"What the hell is your problem grandpa?"
To which he replied..
"Mate, back in WWII when I was in Singapore, me and me mates got on the piss one night and they dared me to shag a parrot, which I did. I was just wondering if you could be my son!"

:thumbsupsmileyanim:
 

submox

Donator
Mar 14, 2009
163
28
What do you call Adolf Hitler having sex with a potato?
Dictator

2 explorers are walking through the jungle when they come across a tribe. The chief of the tribe comes over and says " You have trespassed upon our land, you have a choice, DEATH or PUNDI"
The first explorer says " Well, I don't want to die so I guess I'll take PUNDI"
The chief stamps his foot on the ground and screams at the top of his lungs "PUNDI"
All of a sudden every male member of the tribe runs out of his hut, rips off his loin cloth and has sex with the explorer.
The second explorer see this and says to the chief "F^&K that, I'd rather take death"
The chief stamps his foot on the ground and screams at the top of his lungs "DEATH.........by PUNDI"
 
Dec 9, 2007
701
28
street
Husband comes home from the pub blind drunk
as he gets through the door and stumbles back against the wall, cack eyed n drewling.
wife looks up from the couch and sees he is protectively cradling a duck.
Husband pipes up "Right! I'm finally going to introduce you to the pig I've been bang'n", stroking the ducks head
Wife replies "but thats not a pig its a wild swamp fowl"
"I wasn't talking to you"
 
Mar 30, 2008
4,746
63
24
Whitsundays
xavoau.tumblr.com
So three mice were talking stuff around the bar one night.
The first one takes a shot and says "I'm so tough, I go right for the mousetrap, eat the cheese, grab the metal snapper and do 20 bench presses right before it closes."
The second mouse has his shot and says, "Well geez, every time I see a pile of rat poison I take a couple just to prove how hard I am."
The third skulls his shot and replies, "Well fellas, I'm off - the cat's waiting for me in bed."
 

Bahlye

Donator
Mar 11, 2007
10,784
83
Perth
From a very young age I was told what matters is to make the little things in life count...so I found a midget and taught him math
:yeah:​
 

Bahlye

Donator
Mar 11, 2007
10,784
83
Perth
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball."

Man- "That's nice."

Boy- "Want to buy it?"

Man- "No, thanks."

Boy- "My dad's outside."

Man- "OK, how much?" Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."

Man- "Yes, it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy- "$750."

Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
 

BigD Server Donations

Total amount
AU$420.00
Goal
AU$500.00