Post Your Jokes!

Mar 28, 2009
1,291
48
26
Sydney
4 men in a bar one goes to the toilet
while he is gone the 3 men left start to talk about their sons
1st man says i am proud of my son he started with an aviation firm then learnt to be a pilot now he owns the company and is so rich he gave his best friend a private jet
2nd man says i am proud of my son he started as a mercedes salesman and worked his way up in the company until he is now on the board of directors and is so rich he gave his best friend a top of the range mercedes
3rd man says i am proud of my son as well he started buying and selling property and is now the owner of the number 1 property developement firm in the country and he is so rich he gave his best friend a large mansion
as the 3 men start shaking hands with each other the 4th man returns from the toilet and asks whats happening so they tell him they are congratulating each other on the achievements of their sons
so what has your son done they ask the 4th man
oh not much he is gay and jobless
oh they say we are sorry to hear that
don't be sorry says the 4th man his 3 boyfriends have just bought him a mansion, a private jet and a new top of the range mercedes
 

Elmo147

Donator
Sep 26, 2009
811
28
Brisbane
what do you call a man with no arms, no legs in the middle of the ocean?

BOB

what do you call a man with no arms, no legs in a pile of leaves?

RUSSELL

what do you call a man with no arms, no legs in a hole with a shovel?

DOUG

what do you call a man with no arms, no legs in a hole with the shovel?

DOUGLESS
 
Vapoman said:
One fungi talks to another fungi inside a crowded hollow log.

"theres not mush-room in here"
So this joke has had me and many other people I have told it to laughing heaps. Well, mostly me, the people I tell stare at me with eyes of pure hatred and death. That is why I ask, can ANYONE top this joke? I am trying to find other funny, short and simple one-liners but I cannot find anything that beats this. I propose a challenge to BigD BEAT THE MUSHROOM JOKE!

Heres a start: (its not 'that' good but its still funny!)

A nuetron buys a drink from a bar and then asks the bartender how much for the drink. The bartender replies: For you sir, no charge.

POST YOUR 'PUNNY' JOKE! ;)
 
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Nov 21, 2006
3,957
83
Australia
It's a quote, but it's funny.


"I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

(For the younger forum members who may not know -
she was the First Lady of the United States, married
to Franklin Delano Roosevelt - Pres from '33 to '45)
 
May 9, 2008
3,352
63
26
So this joke has had me and many other people I have told it to laughing heaps. Well, mostly me, the people I tell stare at me with eyes of pure hatred and death. That is why I ask, can ANYONE top this joke? I am trying to find other funny, short and simple one-liners but I cannot find anything that beats this. I propose a challenge to BigD BEAT THE MUSHROOM JOKE!

Heres a start: (its not 'that' good but its still funny!)

A nuetron buys a drink from a bar and then asks the bartender how much for the drink. The bartender replies: For you sir, no charge.

POST YOUR 'PUNNY' JOKE! ;)
What do you ask for when you want an octopus pie?
and octopie!!

Ahaaaaa

Edit
Also this
A mushroom was traveling and came to this restaurant. He saw this pretty girl and went up to her to dance. She said: Eww, but you're a mushroom. He said: Come and dance with me, I'm a fungi!!


AND AND
Why must you be careful of tea?
Because it might mug you.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Jan 15, 2010
149
0
there was a shooting in my street last week.

police found the weapon & said it was a starter pistol.

they believe that the shooting was race related!!!
 
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Jun 6, 2010
329
18
25
Kiwi Land (NZ), South Island
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Hope you guys enjoy this joke no intention of offending or repeating this joke.
 
Why did the man sleep under the car?
So he could wake up oily in the morning!

What did the garden say to the alien?
Take me to your weeder.

Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing!

What is the best thing about deadly snakes?
They've got poisonality.

*bows* thankyou! :D Luv these 'Punny' ( ;) ) jokes hehe
 
Mar 30, 2008
4,746
63
24
Whitsundays
xavoau.tumblr.com
It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.
He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'
The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold..'
So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.
The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

Shamelessly stolen from another forum I frequent. :)
 
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Bahlye

Donator
Mar 11, 2007
10,784
83
Perth
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"



A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."



Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

:whistle:
 
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Mar 30, 2008
4,746
63
24
Whitsundays
xavoau.tumblr.com
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
 
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Mar 30, 2008
4,746
63
24
Whitsundays
xavoau.tumblr.com
Big John:

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops--a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six-feet-eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five-feet-three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened--Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body-building courses, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!", the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."
 
Apr 9, 2007
4,366
63
42
Behind you knife out
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie, He decides to test it at dinner and say's to his son "where were u today during school hours?" His son replies "At school" The Robot slaps the son, "Ok, I went to the movies" he replies. "Which one?" The father ask's to which the son replies "Toy Story" The robot slaps the son again "OK, it was day with a pornstar" He said facepalm. The Father replied "WHAT THE? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps him and the Mother cracking up replied "HAHA! John he's your son after all* The robot turns and slaps the mother
 
Nov 21, 2006
3,957
83
Australia
"(...) the (...) story of the crusader who put a chastity belt on his wife and
gave the key to his best friend for safekeeping, in case of his death. He had
ridden only a few miles away when his friend, riding hard, caught up with him,
saying 'You gave me the wrong key!"
— Anaïs Nin
 

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