Post Your Jokes!

How does an octopus go to war?
.....WELL-ARMED

Have you heard the one about the Corduroy pillow?
....It's making HEADLINES!

So a baby seal walks into a club...

What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it?
....Nothing, it just let out a little whine!

What do you do when you see a spaceman?
....PARK YOUR CAR, MAN
 
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May 9, 2008
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A duck walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and is ruining his family.

----
What did one chimney say to the other??
Nothing, they are both inanimate objects.
 
Jun 6, 2010
329
18
25
Kiwi Land (NZ), South Island
A farm joke I found.

A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.

Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.

Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.

The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.

The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.

The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.

Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.

The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.

Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.

The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer.

"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back.
 
Hahaha Click, thats one is awesome!

Heres some more lame but funny jokes... moslt 'punny' tehe.... :sweat:
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?
....A Bah-humbug

Why did the cookie cry?
....Because his mother was a wafer so long!

What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a Bull?
Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)

There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says
...‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’

What do you call a deer with no eye?
...NO IDEAR!

What did the traffic light say to the car?
.....Don't look, I'm changing.

Last one... please don't hurt me :p

What does a vegan zombie eat?
....Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!
 

Bahlye

Donator
Mar 11, 2007
10,784
83
Perth
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
The job was only so-so anyhow.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I slice
d it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.



A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"


"No, because he's really heavy."

(Boomtish..)
 
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What do you call an man with no movement in his body?
Quadriplegic

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender promptly escorts it outside and calls the police.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"

Anti jokes are terrible...
 
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Apr 12, 2010
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Last week my Grandfather went to the doctors.
He explained to the doctor that every time he sneezes he has an orgasm.
Shocked, the doctor then asked my Grandfather what he was taking for it.

"Black Pepper" He replied.

*Badum-tsh*
 

Noddy

Donator
Jun 7, 2007
6,246
83
50
Canberra
theauxiliaries.net
What did the cyclone yasi say to the coconut palm?
Hang onto your nuts this is no ordinary blow job!!!
We're a G rated forum - your joke sails very close to the wind ( :db:) of what is acceptable with regards that it may be considered insensitive to forum members who have lost property or other valuables in the Cyclone.

Moonbuggy - if you have a problem with any post you can use the report post feature (the little caution sign thingy at the bottom left) ;)


OT:

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
Civil Engineers build targets.
 
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